Belt Auction

Sons and daughters-I love my mom but don't know what to do anymore?

Up until the last few years, I have somewhat enjoyed her company. Now I find her so boring and negative. She loves to talk about the antiques she picks up. She loves ebay and loves to talk about it. (Keep in mind she is still a few years away from 50 and hardly an old lady-not that you have to be an old lady to enjoy antiques). I just don't have any intrest in it. If she isn't talking about that she is complaining about what was on the news or what jerks men are. She complains about people in general, but the man-hater thing really gets to me. I know her dad was verbally abusive-but why would you try push that view on your daughter? Oh, and her cats. I love telling goofy stories of my cats but she just rambles and rambles-even when you are trying to get her off the phone. She will also gets on me about something I have very little control over and even did this on my birthday, claiming I was the main cause of her depression. Believe me, she waited until we were done for the day and her comment snowballed into a horrible evening for me with that on my mind. I just don't know what to do with her. I don't want to see her again most of the time. I get along way better with my grandma and have better conversations, she is 75. I have tried to get my mom on mild anti-depressants but she only took them for a month. She quit as soon as I saw improvement. I keep pushing through and keeping my contact with her on the minimal, usually when I am in a really good mood and can handle her. Recently, I have found myself drinking before I have to see her. She was a great single parent which I am sure is very hard! She did a good job and loves me. She isn't the kind of person you can sit down and talk to about her. She just blame shifts. Oh, and anytime I am talking about something she will just totally change the subject, which I don't do to her unless she is complaining about people. What do I do? How would you feel if you were a her offspring? How would you handle this? I am 28 years old and her only child. DJ-Yes, my grandmother. She would rather spend time with me then my mom. Nema-could you please explain to me the psychological method of "just getting over" something? It would be greatly appreciated. By the way, I know death and have had a lot in my family, so I understand that without you stating the obvious.

Public Comments

1. get over it!!!! when you don't have her anymore than you're gonna regret not hanging out with her. She's your mom for goodness sake
2. Be thankful that she is still there. I lost my mom to cancer when I was 28 and would give anything to hear her going on about antiques.
3. You sound like a nice young lady who loves her Mom. Try to walk in her shoes for a while. Evidently she has a lot of problems. Just do your best and remember, she won't be around forever so try to think of that when you can. I never knew my Father but I would give everything I owned to be able to listen to any "bitching" he had to do, no matter how long. Oh, you might try going with your Mom to look for antiques once in a while, if you haven't already. This may make her happier than normal. Good luck Princess.
4. Is there anybody else in your family tree whom feels the same way that you do? I guess honesty is really the best answer here. You need to tell her why you are avoiding spending time with her. It may not doing any good, but at least you can feel a little better knowing you tried and she chose not to listen.
5. Take her out somewhere where she can meet people her own age, maybe start up some friendships with people who have the same interests as her. Friendship always brings positive energy into my life. If that doesn't work, you have to talk to her about it. Maybe she doesn't realize how much it gets to you. I can relate with the man-hater attitude through some of my family members, it can become very draining. Maybe next time she starts, interrupt her and tell her you flat out disagree and don't want to hear about it anymore. Sometimes, being brutally honest (although it might hurt them at the beginning) is the only way to get through to people. Good luck and keep you chin up (and out of the bottle lol totally not worth drinking over)!
6. It sounds like you love your mom very much, but you cant handle the way she is dealing with her lifestyle. She might be suffering from a very deep depression and should see her doctor. What you have described is symptoms of deep depression. I know I was there once and I drove my family crazy, but I had to realize myself that I needed help and when I got it I have made a complete turn around. My sister is in the same situration only she has it worst than I did. It can be a disability. That was what my sister was diagnosed with and she is disabled now. Try to calmy eurge your mom to talk to her doctor about it and tell the doctor what she is constantly feeling. She could also be lonely with you nolonger living there that could cause depression as well. Hope you and your mom get back in the good side of each other. God Bless You Both!
7. By all this info it sounds like she is depressed and needs as much support as she can get. Maybe she is so negative about men because she has had a hard life with men and doesn't want you to fall into the same trap as her. Persuade her to go and see a doctor, say to her that she must do it for you as it is makeing you upset. Do something fun with her, she might need a day out with you, do something what you both love to do. hope this helps xxxx
8. Good God, I went through this and worse with my mother. The thing you have to understand about relationships, any relationships, is that each person wants to feel that what they have put into it is and has been worth it. This doesn't mean the person expects to get back what they've put in or more, it just means they need to feel the minimal that will give them a feeling of satisfaction. People will blame others when they don't get this, sometimes those others being the ones they felt they should have gotten more from. The blame doesn't have to correlate with any specific problem directly, it only has to have made them feel as though they are lacking because of what they didn't get, which leads to them feeling less as a person. The fact that she was a single mother and apparently a very good one means that she gave a lot in this endeavour. So she might feel she is due more than she has received thus far, especially upon looking back on her life and realizing what she doesn't have at this late point in it. I suggest you indulge her somewhat, while making it known you'd rather she not go on and on about certain things, but not stating it in a harsh manner. Let her know that you love her and appreciate her, too, but not just with words. This will go a long way into making her feel her efforts in life have been worthwhile, which in turn should improve her outlook on life.
9. "Recently, I have found myself drinking before I have to see her." ~ Yeah. My mother lives exactly 210 miles away...I know this because there's a vodka store 5.7 miles from our house...and another store with Red Bull about 30 miles from her house...and others at intervals in between. The best place to pull off and pee when the vodka/RB combo hits the bladder is a small country store at the foot of Cheaha Mountain. She lives two mountains over in Blue Mountain on the other side of Interstate 20... When I don't feel like drinking, there are many other substances that I find it necessary to imbibe in to gear myself up for the visit...I should take my mother to congress as an excuse to pass drug legalization laws...and DUI! HAHA!! I really wish I could give you advice, but I do the same thing you do and I can only offer you hugs and sympathy..... I mean I do turn the ringer off of the phone 6 days and 23.5 hours a week...her number can come up on the caller ID and I just shudder to think what nastiness she's going to come across with...or story that just never has an ending since they all have this "punchline" that I guess you would have just had to have been there to appreciate and even then gloating over others' misery isn't a hobby I think I would ever have a penchant for. Bless your heart....I know what you're going through.