Belt Auction

Republicans: Will you make me your poster boy for the lazy, dope smoking, welfare collecting Liberal?

Allow me to confess my sins. I went to school on the Basic Educational Opportunity Grant Program. I sold pot on the side for fun money. They paid my tuition and I stayed in school studying Philosophy and Anthropology until the money ran out but I did earn two degrees. I got drafted into the Army and then shot myself in the foot to get out and not be sent to Vietnam. I told them that it was an accident but they didn't believe me. So I got a lawyer and sued them. Now I get a partial disability check from the VA. My dad died and left me his 36 foot sailboat. I used it to smuggle pot onto the Gulf Coast but got caught and went to Federal Prison for 36 months. The DEA confiscated the boat but I had my girl friend buy the boat back at auction with money was had stashed from the drug running. While in prison I learned computer graphics on the government nickel. After they let me out they sent me to Vocational Rehab and I got more training in graphic arts. Then I started a business making fake ID cards for LSU students so they could get into bars and such. Then later I made fake Green Cards for Mexicans. I never reported any of this income, always being paid in cash. I am also a pretty decent guitar player and knocked around South Florida and the Bahamas for years, living on the boat, playing in the bars for tips and hooking up tourists with the local Bahamian boys so they could get some smoke while on vacation. I never sold it myself. Learned my lesson and paid my debt to society. The boys just tipped me for my trouble. Things continued on like this until last year when I turned 62. I never had a legitimate tax paying job in my life but got a letter in the mail from the Social Security Administration. I thought it was a mistake but it turned out that while I was in the joint, they were cutting taxes on the money they gave me to work in the prison printing shop. I had just enough quarters in to qualify for Social Security so I get a check each month. I have since redone the old boat, The Chong, and give some sailing lessons for tourists down here in Cape Coral, Florida. Somewhere in there I managed to go back to school and finish my MA in Philosophy. My girl friend was a dance major in college and she would dance at the topless clubs a few nights a week and paid my tuition to the Univsersity of Miami for my Masters. Recently I was offered a job at the State Prison teaching Philosophy to the inmates as part of a Federal/State college program. They are looking for someone with my credentials. My Masters Thesis was On Situational Ethics In Modern Society. The salary isn't bad but I don't know. It would require me to drive a long way three days a week and it will interfere with my fishing. And maybe I'n not really the right guy for the job. Do I meet your expectations?

Public Comments

1. Is your name Barack?
2. the red states have more people on welfare than the blue ones
3. Maybe you should just stick with writing short fiction stories.
4. Dad, is that you!?
5. Damn... that's a hell of a life... I'm jealous. Hey man, the government allowed things to play out like that for you. Good for you. I'm glad you got to take advantage of it on the taxpayers dollar! It just sucks to think if everyone's life story was like that and knowing that my money is going to pay for it all, what financial shape would the country be in? Hell, I can't say anymore.... I'm just rambling on because I'm jealous! You're the man!!
6. No, I think the poster of a cockroach with the inscription " the liberals will always be with us" will do just fine. But thank you for your interest.