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This Is A Joke: Mail Man's Last Day&Definitions?

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "F*** him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea." ________________________________________****____________________________________ Definitions Alarm clock: a machine invented to scare the daylights into you. Antique: an item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and that you're buying again for twice times the price Argument: a fight over who can get in the last word first. Bargain: something thats so cheap, you cant resist it, even though you cant use it and dont really want it. Barium: what we do to most people when they die. Blackout: an abnormality of electrical power that turns a $2,000 computer system into so many paperweights. Business meeting: a time for people to talk about what they're supposed to be doing. Confidence: the human quality that comes before experience. Courtesy: the art of yawning with your mouth closed. Derange: where de buffalo roam. Discretion: the art of being wiser than anyone while letting no one know it. Encores: songs performers have to sing until they finally get one right. ECT: an abbreviation used to make people think that you have additional information. Experience: something you've acquired after its too late to do you much good. Expiration: the process of not breathing Goblet: a young turkey. Gossipers: people who believe anything they overhear. Hate: a special kind of love given to people who suck Impossibility: something no one can do until someone does it. Know-it-all: a person that knows everything there is to know about nothing. Love: something that happens when imagination overpowers common sense Low mileage: something you get when your car won't start. Misnomer: the correct word for an incorrect word. Money: a device by which parents stay in touch with their college children. Nail: what amateur carpenters replace with their thumb while the hammer is in motion. Nervous disorder: a hereditary condition parents inherit from their teenage children. Newscast: one place where good rarely triumphs over evil. Opportunity: something that knocks, but doesn't turn the door handle. Optimist: someone blithely ignorant of how serious a crisis really is. Pessimist: a former optimist Phonetic: an example of a word that isn't spelled the way it sounds. Quality Control: a corporate term for nagging. Rome: what buffalo do. Shanghai: the opposite of Shanglow. Steering Committee: a panel of individuals that aren't capable of driving by themselves. Subordinate Clause: the grammatically correct term for Santa Clauses assistant. Tact: that knack of knowing exactly what NOT to say. Teamwork: getting a group of individuals to do what one person tells them to. Venice: one of the planets. Wake-up call: the issue of mind-over-mattress. Wastebasket: a receptacle near which trash is tossed. Wide receiver: a twelve foot TV antenna.

Public Comments

1. LMAOO nice. I love these:)) My favorite definition is definitely Hate- a special kind of love for people who suck hahahah Anyways, thanks for the post:)
2. LMAO at the first joke..good one..
3. I lol'ed.
4. not very funny
5. haha pretty funny
6. lol i loved them all especially hate
7. all the definitions are definitely true!